The End of an Era

Today is my last day of maternity leave (there's me and Anthony, enjoying some tummy time together this morning), as I will return to work on Tuesday following the long holiday weekend. Naturally, this leaves me with mixed emotions. I enjoy my job and work for and with wonderful people, which makes me excited to get back to the office. But I'm sad as well, knowing that I'll inevitably miss some of Anthony's milestones -- as well as miss Anthony in general.

A lot has changed since I envisioned this day three months ago, before little Anthony was born. At that point, I figured I'd be a little relieved to get back to work -- while I always knew I could do my job successfully, I suspected I'd be something of a disaster at taking care of a baby all by myself. Who decided it was a good idea to leave me -- someone who could count the number of diapers she'd changed on one hand and wasn't sure if she was capable of a "maternal instinct" -- as the sole caretaker of a helpless infant?

And on that Monday in July when the free babysitting help from family and friends ran out and Brandon walked out the door to go to work, I was scared. What if I couldn't get Anthony to stop crying? What if he got sick? Heck, what if I was bored out of my mind after a week?

Well, there were times when Anthony did become inconsolable -- but I did, eventually, get him to stop crying. There were moments I worried about the little guy's health -- like when a doctor-recommended dose of infant Tylenol following Anthony's immunizations knocked him into a sleepy stupor -- but in more clear-headed times, I know I'm lucky to have a healthy little boy.

As for getting bored, it just didn't happen. It's amazing how busy a baby keeps a person -- and how entertaining The Learning Channel's afternoon programming can be! And once Anthony was big enough to go out on the town, I joined what seemed like hundreds of other stroller-pushing moms at the mall or the grocery store or Barnes and Noble. Were there always this many babies out-and-about in Miami, or do I just notice them now that I'm a mom?

And Anthony himself proved nothing if not entertaining, so much so that the unbelievable has happened -- today, during our final maternity leave trip to the mall, I stopped looking at shoes and simply walked out of a store in order to sit on a bench and stare at my baby, because his persistent coos and smiles were way more interesting than the merchandise.

The biggest change, though, is that I no longer worry that I'm a failure at taking care of a child. Instead, I believe -- perhaps inaccurately -- that I'm the very best person at taking care of my baby. Of course that makes it even harder to leave him, but luckily, my return to work will start with Anthony being entrusted to the loving arms of grandparents.

And we're pleased with the daycare we found, although that brings with it a whole new world of worries. These range from the reasonable (when, not if, Anthony will catch his first cold) to the slightly melodramatic (how long will he have to cry before someone can get to him?) to the totally irrational (what if the other 3-month-olds form some despicable baby clique and exclude the little guy...logically I know this is impossible, I mean, seriously, who wouldn't want to be friends with Anthony? But still, I'm being sure to send him off with the brand name diapers so he feels like a cool kid, as well as a homemade lunch, so he remembers mommy loves him.)

Eventually, I'm sure being a working mom will simply feel normal, just like staying home with Anthony has gotten to feel normal. And I'm sure I'll enjoy both the work and baby aspects of my life when they're combined, just like I did when they were separate.

But for now, I'm just going to take advantage of the last day I'll have to sit on my living room floor, staring at my little boy as he lifts his head to look around, checks out his fingers and toes and smiles his way through a nap. Pretty soon someone else will have that privilege, and I know that I'll be jealous -- rather than relieved -- that they do.